a love letter to you

If all the disgustingly cute couple photos overflowing on your Instagram or the five isles in the back of Target full of sugar, red, and pink didn't remind you already, today is Valentine's Day.  Maybe you carelessly over-indulged on carbs and chocolate covered everything while binge watching all the cheesy, romance movies on Netflix or you took advantage of America's most popular date night and got dressed up and went out with your girlfriends. Or maybe I'm just too stubborn to admit that you might have actually had a hot date waiting for you with your favorite coffee in his hands when you woke up. But let's be honest here, you probably have a pint of ice cream waiting for you in the freezer. It's fine, me too. Whatever your plans were, wherever you are, I have a little something for you before you fall asleep.

I think that us girls focus so much on the idea that Valentine's day, or any day for that matter, is only worth it, that we're only worth it, if we wake up each morning knowing that we are loved and accepted by a man. We try so hard convince ourselves that we're okay without a man- boys sucks, right? Yet on Valentine's day, waking up to no roses on our doorstep sits deeper than just being reminded how single we are. It screams everything from rejection to simply not being good enough. Well, if we're so content without a man in our life like we've so easily convinced ourselves, why is this our reoccurring response to a day dedicated to love? Why are pictures of Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively or Deacon Claybourne and Rayna James (If you haven't seen Nashville, get back in bed and start binge watching) the first things that pop into our heads when we think of love or being in love? Why has the idea of being in a relationship with someone become the end all, be all in our lives? The "good morning beautiful" or "I love you" texts, the cute Insta pictures, a guy showing you off all over his social media, everyday access to holding hands, kissing, and cuddling- all of these things clutter our minds and have made us believe that until this is reality for us, we will never be fully satisfied. Don't get me wrong, these little joys are well worth looking forward to. They're exciting and I would be lying if I acted like these sweet affections were never something that crossed my mind. But I think if we were to get down to the heart of this need to have a man in our life, we would find that we just want to be loved. To wake up each morning and know that we're unconditionally loved, adored, and wanted. Us girls have this deep craving to be pursued and so we wait... we wait for prince charming to come sweep us up off of our feet and carry us into the sweetest love story of them all. 


Picture this: Tonight, you pull back your comforter and there on your pillow lies a little white envelope addressed with your name on it. Anxious to know what's inside, you flip over the envelope and slowly tear open the seal. You pull out a perfectly folded piece of paper that reads:

  

          I want to tell you how much I adore you. You are beautiful, my darling, there is not a flaw in you. My thoughts towards you are countless as the sand on seashore. You are my treasured possession. I am able to more for you than you could possibly imagine. When you hurt, I hurt. When you're brokenhearted, I am close to you. I want to be the one you go to for comfort in all your troubles. I am slow to anger, quick to forgive, and abounding in love. I am patient, kind and compassionate. I want to be your provider and meet all your needs. When you're hungry, let me feed you. When you feel alone, I want to be right there next to you. When I look at you, my heart sings, you are so breathtakingly beautiful. I am so in love with you. I love you despite your past, despite all the little things you see as imperfections. You are wanted. I want you. I want to show you where your worth is found. I love you. I know somedays are hardert than others; I've seen you at your best and I've seen your at your worst... but nothing could ever be great enough to separate my love from you. I love you even when you don't love me back. I promise to be faithful to you. Through the hard days and the joy filled days, I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. I promise to love you with no strings attatched. Don't waste your time trying to earn my love, it's already yours. Those guys in your past who have told you they loved you and then they left? I'm not like them. I promise to never hurt you, I will never abandon you. Please understand this. You keep searching in all the wrong places, in all the wrong guys, for fulfillment. If only you knew that no guy will love you like I do; that you will never be satisfied apart from me. Why do you keep running from the one who is relentlessly pursuing you? Stop running. When will I be enough for you? When will you be mine? I'm waiting for you... I'll never stop waiting for you. 

   

So here you are, left with a letter, an overwhelmed heart, a lot of emotions, a man who is madly, madly in love with you, and a decision to make.

The most purest form of love, the most perfect man has asked just poured out his heart to you, asking you to be his. All you've ever wanted is right in front of you and all you have to do is accept it, believing every word of this letter to be absolute truth. You have to be vulnerable. But every time you've been vulnerable, you've been hurt; every time someone has told you they loved you, they ran. So you're scared. You have been rejected and told you're unworthy of love for so many years that allowing this perfect man into your life, allowing him to love you, accepting the fact that someone has chosen you, is beyond your comprehension. You're scared. You have done nothing to earn this man's love; In fact, you've done everything possible to make him run away. But still, he wants you. You would be absolutely insane to say no to this man who has promised to love you unconditionally for the rest of your life, but still, you're unsure. 

You pulled back your covers and looked on your pillow and there was no white envelope.

This dream man isn't standing on your front porch with a dozen roses.

But what if I told you that this letter, though not found sealed in an envelope, was real? That this man exists? That every last word of this letter addressed to you is truth? That there is a man, right now, who calls you His. Though you may not know Him, He knows you- He knows every hair on your head, He knows when you wake up, He knows what your tomorrow looks like before you even get a glimpse. This man, this love, is real and is being offered to you right now. No, this man isn't going to tweet about you or take you on dates to the movies or kiss you goodnight, but what he offers is better than anything any man on this earth could ever give you.

His name is Jesus and He's waiting for you. You were created by Him and for Him and until you realize this, you will continue to chase after things, hoping they will fulfill you, and you'll just be left empty, wondering what went wrong, every. single. time. 

He's pursuing you, girl. Let Him pursue you.

goodbye 2016, hello 2017

If I'm being honest, 2016 was a messy one. It was tough. There were a lot of days where I struggled living loved; days where lies and words of rejection filled my head- "unloved, unwanted, unworthy." Through these lies, Jesus would speak words of truth over me: "loved, wanted. worth it." For every lie, He whispered truth. Yet through every whisper, a lie spoke louder. For weeks, I would crawl into bed every night feeling completely robbed of joy. "God, when will this end?" I found myself believing things about myself that I'd never have before. For the first time in my life, I was living out of a place of pain and rejection and I had no idea how to get myself out of it. Even if I didn't believe it, even if it took everything I had in me to not run back to that place of hurt, I would cling to truth- slowly but surely, truth won. For a while, I had fully convinced myself that this battle would never end. But as I'm sitting here reflecting on this past year, specificially these past few months, I'm overwhelmed by how constant Jesus has been through it all but how often I was so focused on allowing my circumstances to dictate my emotions that I forgot to just be still and find rest in Him. 

During these months of emptiness and confusion, I knew Jesus was working every little thing- every heartbreak, every "no," every unanswered question- for my good and for His glory. But waiting sucked. And even clinging to that promise day by day wasn't enough. Like taking an ibuprofen doesn't heal your headache, it just makes enduring the pain a little easier. In the midst of the hurt, Jesus was my comforter and my encourager... and it took weeks for me to fully allow Him to be my healer. Like C.S. Lewis said, "I am not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for me; I am wondering how painful the best will turn out to be." 

The long stretches of living out of a place of rejection slowly began to subside and little by little Jesus would show me little snipits of where He was and what He was doing during it all. 

Remember when I said no? I was protecting you from this.
Remember when I asked you to give that up? I wanted you to trust Me.
Remember that night where you felt an overwhelming peace? That was me.
Remember that blessing? I knew you needed that. I love you. 

Every little piece began working as a stich that closed each open wound. My brokeness turned into fullness, my hard heart became soft, and what I viewed once as rejection I now saw as His protection.

Through it all, I learned a lot about not only who I am but whose I am. But the two things He's taught me and is continuing to teach me daily are these: 

One, when He asks me to let go of something, let it go. It's for my benefit, even when it's hard to see that. Sometimes He's going to ask me to hand over things that I see are good for me, things that are extremely difficult to give up. But He's asking me to trust Him because He's proven trustworthy and faithful. I see so clearly now that if I would have just been obedient to what He was asking me to give up the first time around, I could have saved myself a lot of hurt. There are consequences to doing it your own way and it's not even worth it. 

Second, wait. My friend Tay and I were talking about what waiting and what following Jesus looks like and she put it like this: You're in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, sailing on a boat, just you and Jesus. Even though He's the captain, you decide when you want to stop, when you want to get out and explore, when you want to jump out and swim. There's a person or a place that catches your attention and you want to chase that. So He stops the boat and you jump out. He waits for you. He keeps calling you back into the boat but you're too focused swimming towards that one thing that you turn back and yell, "hold on Jesus, I'll be right back." So He waits. And He waits. And you keep swimming. And as you're swimming the tide gets higher, that thing that you're trying to reach seems to get farther and farther and when you finally reach that thing, you realize that it wasn't all that worth it. So as you stand there empty, you look out and you see Jesus sitting in the boat waiting for you. Instead of making you swim all the way back to the boat, He sails towards you. You jump back in and you begin to keep sailing. Every direction you turn, all you can see is what appears to be a never ending sea. No destinations. No islands. No people. Just you, the ocean, the boat, and the Captain. You keep asking Him, "Jesus, where are you taking me?" But the only thing He responds is, "The more stops you want to take, the more times you jump out and swim, the slower it will take to get there. Just stay here on this boat with me. I know where we're going. Just be still and wait. We'll get there." 

There have been so many times where my impatience got the best of me and I craved what others had. I was tired of waiting. So I jumped out of the boat and did it my own way. I didn't completely abandon Jesus, I just told Him to wait. I selfishly knew that He would be there for me when I was done. And every time I would leave the boat I wish I would have stayed. So I'm learning to wait. I'm learning to just stop moving for a second and allow Him to lead... because wherever He's taking me, He promises it's going to be worth it.

With all the hardships of 2016 came a lot of joys. A lot of them. A year free of hospital stays and I.V. antibiotics (it's been seven years since this has happened.) A year of a stable 91% lung function. New friendships; friends who bring me immense joy, who speak life, encourage me, and love me so, so well. Ended both semesters with all A's (thanks to the excessive amount of iced lattes and iced coffee I consumed.) My best friend, Brenna, took a break from the twin cities and became my roommate for three months over the summer. I traveled to sweet, new places- Big Sur, Big Basin, Minnesota, and Wisconsin- and spent a lot of time (and money) at coffee shops and California beaches.

Well here we are, day one of a new year, and there's already so much I'm looking forward to. Yay to turning 21, my fourth year of college, and working my dream job all summer at Hume Lake. 2017, I'm ready for you!