If I'm being honest, 2016 was a messy one. It was tough. There were a lot of days where I struggled living loved; days where lies and words of rejection filled my head- "unloved, unwanted, unworthy." Through these lies, Jesus would speak words of truth over me: "loved, wanted. worth it." For every lie, He whispered truth. Yet through every whisper, a lie spoke louder. For weeks, I would crawl into bed every night feeling completely robbed of joy. "God, when will this end?" I found myself believing things about myself that I'd never have before. For the first time in my life, I was living out of a place of pain and rejection and I had no idea how to get myself out of it. Even if I didn't believe it, even if it took everything I had in me to not run back to that place of hurt, I would cling to truth- slowly but surely, truth won. For a while, I had fully convinced myself that this battle would never end. But as I'm sitting here reflecting on this past year, specificially these past few months, I'm overwhelmed by how constant Jesus has been through it all but how often I was so focused on allowing my circumstances to dictate my emotions that I forgot to just be still and find rest in Him.
During these months of emptiness and confusion, I knew Jesus was working every little thing- every heartbreak, every "no," every unanswered question- for my good and for His glory. But waiting sucked. And even clinging to that promise day by day wasn't enough. Like taking an ibuprofen doesn't heal your headache, it just makes enduring the pain a little easier. In the midst of the hurt, Jesus was my comforter and my encourager... and it took weeks for me to fully allow Him to be my healer. Like C.S. Lewis said, "I am not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for me; I am wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."
The long stretches of living out of a place of rejection slowly began to subside and little by little Jesus would show me little snipits of where He was and what He was doing during it all.
Remember when I said no? I was protecting you from this.
Remember when I asked you to give that up? I wanted you to trust Me.
Remember that night where you felt an overwhelming peace? That was me.
Remember that blessing? I knew you needed that. I love you.
Every little piece began working as a stich that closed each open wound. My brokeness turned into fullness, my hard heart became soft, and what I viewed once as rejection I now saw as His protection.
Through it all, I learned a lot about not only who I am but whose I am. But the two things He's taught me and is continuing to teach me daily are these:
One, when He asks me to let go of something, let it go. It's for my benefit, even when it's hard to see that. Sometimes He's going to ask me to hand over things that I see are good for me, things that are extremely difficult to give up. But He's asking me to trust Him because He's proven trustworthy and faithful. I see so clearly now that if I would have just been obedient to what He was asking me to give up the first time around, I could have saved myself a lot of hurt. There are consequences to doing it your own way and it's not even worth it.
Second, wait. My friend Tay and I were talking about what waiting and what following Jesus looks like and she put it like this: You're in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, sailing on a boat, just you and Jesus. Even though He's the captain, you decide when you want to stop, when you want to get out and explore, when you want to jump out and swim. There's a person or a place that catches your attention and you want to chase that. So He stops the boat and you jump out. He waits for you. He keeps calling you back into the boat but you're too focused swimming towards that one thing that you turn back and yell, "hold on Jesus, I'll be right back." So He waits. And He waits. And you keep swimming. And as you're swimming the tide gets higher, that thing that you're trying to reach seems to get farther and farther and when you finally reach that thing, you realize that it wasn't all that worth it. So as you stand there empty, you look out and you see Jesus sitting in the boat waiting for you. Instead of making you swim all the way back to the boat, He sails towards you. You jump back in and you begin to keep sailing. Every direction you turn, all you can see is what appears to be a never ending sea. No destinations. No islands. No people. Just you, the ocean, the boat, and the Captain. You keep asking Him, "Jesus, where are you taking me?" But the only thing He responds is, "The more stops you want to take, the more times you jump out and swim, the slower it will take to get there. Just stay here on this boat with me. I know where we're going. Just be still and wait. We'll get there."
There have been so many times where my impatience got the best of me and I craved what others had. I was tired of waiting. So I jumped out of the boat and did it my own way. I didn't completely abandon Jesus, I just told Him to wait. I selfishly knew that He would be there for me when I was done. And every time I would leave the boat I wish I would have stayed. So I'm learning to wait. I'm learning to just stop moving for a second and allow Him to lead... because wherever He's taking me, He promises it's going to be worth it.
With all the hardships of 2016 came a lot of joys. A lot of them. A year free of hospital stays and I.V. antibiotics (it's been seven years since this has happened.) A year of a stable 91% lung function. New friendships; friends who bring me immense joy, who speak life, encourage me, and love me so, so well. Ended both semesters with all A's (thanks to the excessive amount of iced lattes and iced coffee I consumed.) My best friend, Brenna, took a break from the twin cities and became my roommate for three months over the summer. I traveled to sweet, new places- Big Sur, Big Basin, Minnesota, and Wisconsin- and spent a lot of time (and money) at coffee shops and California beaches.
Well here we are, day one of a new year, and there's already so much I'm looking forward to. Yay to turning 21, my fourth year of college, and working my dream job all summer at Hume Lake. 2017, I'm ready for you!
Love it.
ReplyDelete-cody