constant reminders

Hospital: day 28.

My lung function dropped one percent since Friday and is now at 82. My small airway numbers are increasing which could be why it's taking so long for my big airways to increase in percentage. All the mucus in my small airways are moving out and up into the big airways which may be causing my big airways to have some mucus plugs (obstruction). Honestly, I don't really why my lung function isn't going up fast. My lungs suck at being lungs. Tomorrow morning, the doctors will come in and let me know the plan. The doctor on call this week told me that she is advocating for a discharge. (Praise the Lord)

I've got some cool stories for you though.

I had this respiratory therapist last week, who I've never met before, walk into my room on tuesday morning extremely frazzled. She walks in and I give her a big smile and ask her how her day was going. She looked at me and said, "Today is just not a good day. I had someone yell at me, my other patients aren't cooperating, I've been running around trying to get everyone's meds and I'm just so stressed!". I reply, "aww I'm sorry you're day isn't going to well. let me tell you, we all have those days where things are just hard. I thought I was going home yesterday but my lung function didn't go up. I know what hard days look like." 

As I was putting on my vest, I taught her about the new nebulizer I was using, I informed her of the order in which I take my treatments and I set it all up by myself. She was shocked. She said, "Oh, it's so nice to have a patient who helps me out today. I'm just so stressed and you're just doing this all by yourself!! It's nice to have some assistance and one who gives me a little break. Thank you!!" The tone of her voice changed from frantic to relieved. 

After my treatments were finished and she was about to leave, she turned around and spoke, "You know, I know you don't want to be here and you really wanted to go home yesterday but I'm so happy you're here. I needed you today!" 

In the midst of the disappointment of not being able to go home, Jesus reminded me that even when I don't understand, even when I don't see it, He's using me. I didn't do anything different that morning. I just did my treatments like I do every single day and He used me. That's neat. 

A few days ago, an old friend from high school, Connor, who I haven't talked to in three years (wasn't even sure he still knew who I was), showed up unexpectedly at my hosptial room with a friend of his, Leia, who I've never met before. It was a lovely surprise. "We saw you were in the hosptial through twitter and your blog. We just felt like we needed to come visit you and pray over you. We read all your blog posts and your attitude and the joy you radiate is so incredible and you're so inspiring." As Leia introduced herself she said, "You don't know me but I am obsessed with your blog. Your posts are so awesome and I started a make-a-wish club at my school and everytime you post something I always talk about it with the group. We love you and your writing." 

I was so shocked. I had no idea so many people loved or even read my blog. This was the highlight of my week. There God goes again, using me when I don't even know it.

Today, I was ridiculously excited for my lung function test because I was so hopeful and confident that my numbers were going to be in the high eighties. They weren't.

Today, I'm just frustrated. I am so desperate to go home. Wedneday marks one full month in a hosptial room. I'm having insane amounts of cabin fever here. 

So, I go to God with my frustration and it went a little something like this "K God, love you, but what the heck, man? I've been here for a freaking month and I've worked so hard to get my function up. I don't get it. I get that you're using me. You continuously remind me through texts, Facebook messages and Twitter that the joy you've given me is so radiant and people recognize it. They see you through me. Jesus, I want that to be enough understanding for me but 28 days in a hosptial room? You can't use me anywhere else?! ughhh I'm not blaming you. This isn't your fault. You're working in me and allowing me to be a light right now and that's awesome. It really is. I just really want to leave. I know you want me to get out of here just as bad as I do. Jesus, let me go home please." 

As I'm laying in bed reading Forgotten God by Francis Chan, the doctor on call comes in with a fellow (kind of like a doctor in training). The fellow was new. After we discussed the medical plan for a few minutes, she goes, "You know those quotes on your door, I love them! One of them helped me today actually. The one that says "God's plan for your life far exceeds the circumstances of your day." I walked by your door this morning and I was a little stressed and then I saw that and was like "ahhh I'm going to be okay today." Thank you for that"

My heart became completely full. I was like, "there you go again God with your little reminders..." 

One of the coolest things I've experienced this hospital stay are the endless amounts of messages I've received from people I don't even usually talk to telling me how inspiring I am. To first handedly experience God working through me is something so humbling, so encouraging and so fulfilling.

Though it seems like it, I'm not always positive and happy. I get frustrated, angry (oh do I get angry), exhausted and sad. I want to be left alone 80% of the time and I lack a lot of patience and self control. I am thankful for His constant reminders that His plan outdoes mine and I am making an impact on people's lives because of Jesus. That's something to smile about. 

"Be the kind of light that makes people squint so hard that they can't even see you anymore." This. This is my goal. I would not be me without Him.