surely it was for my benefit that i suffered

Today, my lung function showed 83. The deal was, 88 or above and then I can go home. Tomorrow, my family leaves for Disneyland as I continue my fight to get my lung function back up in the hospital. 

Tonight, my mom bought be a caramel brûlée latte from Starbucks and I got to take a walk outside. I sat in front of Stanford Hospital in the crisp, cold air with adorned wreaths, lit up poles and light strung Christmas trees surrounding me and my heart grew heavy. Christmastime and cold, rainy weather are my two absolute favorite things and I'm being withheld from them. I want to go Christmas shopping. I want to go up in the Santa Cruz mountains and cut down a tree. I want to fall asleep to the sound of rain and wind outside my bedroom window. I want to watch Christmas movies and drink peppermint hot chocolate from my Santa mug. I want to drive around the city and look at all the houses decorated with lights. I want to experience the joy filled month of December outside the confinements of a hosptial room. 

I'm completely exhausted. I'm so homesick. I wish I could say that joy is obviously present tonight, but I feel so empty. Up until this moment, God has given me that peace that surpasses all understanding and He's revealed to me through little things why I'm still here. Maybe I have to wait until tomorrow to understand, but right now, I don't. I'm confused. 

"My eyes grew weak as I looked to the heavens. I am being threatened; Lord, come to my aid!” But what can I say? He has spoken to me, and he himself has done this. I will walk humbly all my years  because of this anguish of my soul. Lord, by such things people live; and my spirit finds life in them too. You restored me to health and let me live. Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish. In your love you kept me from the pit of destruction" // Isaiah 43:14-17a 

"Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered..." In the midst of complete confusion, I find it so amazing how just a few words can deliver such a great amount of comfort. Weakness and suffering are so real, but so is God. I am incapable of going through suffering alone. I need full dependence on Jesus in these times of hurt because His strength is what carries me. Not my own. Though I may not understand this, I am reminded that He is witholding me from destruction. I'm so grateful for that. I find peace in His words and knowing that He is almighty God.  

It's okay to be disappointed. But pain is only temporary. This is where the hurt and the Healer collide. Joy always comes in the morning. 

You must think I'm strong to give me what I'm going through. Well, forgive me if I'm wrong, but this looks like more than I can do on my own. I know I'm not strong enough to be everything that I'm supposed to be, I give up. I'm not strong enough. Hands of mercy, won't you cover me? Lord, right now, I'm asking You to be strong enough for the both. Well maybe that's the point, to reach the point of giving up... 'cause when I'm finally as rock bottom- that's when I start looking up and reaching out // Strong Enough by Matthew West 

"For my comfort in my suffering is this: Your promises preserve my life." // Psalm 119:50

xo, Jules