joy comes in the mourning

|| J O Y ||

"Joy is the settled assurance that God is in control of all the details of my life, the quiet confidence that ultimately everything is going to be alright, and the determined choice to praise God in every situation." // Rick Warren

This. This is joy. 

The dictionary defines joy as "a feeling of great happiness" and on the other hand, Warren describes joy as a confidence, assurance and a choice. Notice how he never mentioned anything about happy feelings. Unlike happiness, joy is lasting and not dependent upon circumstances.

Yes, absolutely happiness can be a byproduct of joy, but joy and happiness aren't the same thing. Merriam Webster, I'm going to have to disagree with you on this one and say that happiness is not the definition of joy. They're different. 

"I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength. // Philippians 4:10-13

Now I know I've talked about these verses before in my Thankfulness blog, but Here is Paul, in PRISON, not just making the best out of his situation but actually turning the whole thing around for God's glory. THAT'S JOY. This is something that needs to be talked about more than just once. Paul gets it.

I love where he says, "I have learned to be content in every situation". Let's recognize how he didn't say "I have learned to be happy in all situations", but to be content. 

I've never been in prison, but I've been stuck in a hospital room for over two weeks which is kind of the same thing (ha). I've known what's it's like to have 114% lung function and what's it's like to have 65% lung function. I've had days where I just cry uncontrollably asking Jesus to just give me that peace that passes all understanding. I know what it's like to be stuck in isolation for two weeks doing nothing but constant iv antiobiocs and breathing treatments just to find out that my lung function isn't increasing. I've felt pain and confusion and I've felt peace and comfort. Like Paul, I've known what it's like to be in need and what it's like to have plenty. 

Tomorrow (well, today since it's 12:14 am) is Thanksgiving and I'm enjoying it from a hospital room. There's no happiness in having to wake up Thanksgiving day in hospital room. I'd rather be eating more than my stomach can possibly fit with my family, at home. This is my first a holiday in a hospital and it's completely out of my comfort zone. I'm not happy. But one thing I am is content. I have learned to be content in every situation. I am full of joy. I have complete assurance that God has placed me right where He wants me. If He wanted me to be home on Thanksgiving, He would have made a way, but He wants me here, at Stanford. Wherever I am, I am called to be a light. He has given me that peace that surpasses all understanding; He assures me daily that He's got me. I don't need to know "why" all the time, I'm not made to understand everything or specifically to understand my incomprehensible and all-powerful God. He's constant, through the trails and the change and He's proven that to me in every circumstance of my life. So, with that, I have chosen joy. the settled assurance that God is in control of all the details of my life, the quiet confidence that ultimately everything is going to be alright, and the determined choice to praise God in every situation. 

Now, I don't say these things so you can feel pity for me- in fact, that's the last thing I want. I'm sharing my situation with you because I have found joy and this joy is something people recognize in me. "Julie, how do you stay so positive in such sucky situations?" My response to you is simply, Jesus. 

Joy doesn't come from my circumstances (hallelujah, Bless The Lord oh my soul), because if that was the case, I would be empty. Joy is lasting and it's only acquired through Christ. 

"Every day of your life, wonderful, good things happen that bring pleasure and contentment and beauty to you. At the exact same time, painful things happen to you or those you love that disappoint you, hurt you, and fill you with sorrow. These two things — both joy and sorrow — run parallel to each other every single moment of your life.

That’s why, when you’re in the midst of an amazing experience, you have a nagging realization that it’s not perfect. And while you’re experiencing something painful, there’s the glorious realization that there is still beauty and loveliness to be found. They’re inseparable." 

Jesus, You're my joy. 

Today, I choose joy. 

Happy Thanksgiving, friends. I'm so thankful for you. 

hallelujah, we are free to struggle {an addition to "where fullness is found"}

Let's talk about last night's blog post, Where Fullness is Found. If you haven't read it yet, do it. Actually, don't even continue this one unless you've read my previous one.

I received so much positive feedback about Where Fullness is Found. I felt wholeheartedly that I approached the sensitive topic of sin in truth and love. However, I knew writing about that topic was going to encourage some and offend some. When was the last time someone asked you, "what do you want to talk about?" and you responded I'm excitement, "sin!"?! Ha, I think we can all agree to say that's never happened. Like I mentioned before, that blog was so difficult to write but it was so heavy on my heart. My intent was to show you that sin is so real but so is Jesus. That these things we seem to put all our focus on bring happiness, but only temporarily. My intent was to reveal to you the freedom and full satisfaction found in Jesus and Him only. If I portrayed anything less of that, please forgive me- I'm just a person. 

"Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen." // 1 Timothy 1:15-17

Christ Jesus came INTO THIS WORLD to SAVE sinners. Not to condemn them, not to judge them, not to point the finger at them, but to SAVE them. He did this for the worst of sinners. The murderers, the adulterers, the drunkards, the prostitutes- Jesus came to save them. That's grace. That's love. That's freedom. We are called to respond the same. 

Save: 

• : to keep (someone or something) safe: to stop (someone or something) from dying or being hurt, damaged, or lost
• : to stop (something) from ending or failing : to make (something that is in danger of failing) successful

Notice how Timothy refers to himself as "the worst of sinners" not once, but twice. Jesus comes into this world not for the righteous, the perfect, the blameless, but for the worst of sinners. If that's not good news, I don't know what is. 

"I hope that as we interact with people, that the Gospel would get so deep in our hearts that as Timothy says, we would correct each other with gentleness knowing that God grants people the power to change. I wish that we would just call each other out while lifting each other up- pointing each other to the freedom we have. The freedom to fail and the freedom to change." // Mike Donehey

Hallelujah, we are free to struggle. Well, thank you Jesus for that. I struggle a lot, but the coolest thing is that when I fall, I fall on His grace. That when I am weak, when I'm struggling not to give into temptation, when I feel helpless, He is strong. His strength is what carries me through. I'm so grateful that I have been given the freedom to FAIL and the freedom to CHANGE. 

Sin is okay to talk about. We should be able to talk about sin and our struggles, speaking truth in love, holding others accountable, without being seen as judgemental, hypocritical or offensive. There's a difference. It seems that the sins we struggle with the most are the ones we're so defensive about. Usually, defensiveness is caused by conviction. That's good. Like Mike Donehey said, I wish that we would just call each other out while lifting each other up. Just try to understand what that would look like if we did that. Hearts would undoubtedly be changed. Accountability is so important and it's okay to correct others. The thing is, if we're not correcting others properly in love, truth and gentleness, no one is going to receive it.

My hope is that we would be aware to the facts that sin is everywhere, conviction is real, accountability is good, Jesus is full of grace and it's okay to struggle. 

Here are a few songs that came mind as I was writing tonight that I thought I'd share with you. xo

Grace // Tenth Avenue North

Losing // Tenth Avenue North

The Struggle // Tenth Avenue North

Don't Want to Live for Me // Moriah Peters

Forgiven and Loved // Jimmy Needham

Who You are // Unspoken

where fullness is found

This one is going to be a tough one for me to write, but it's been totally heavy on my heart. Before you read this, understand that You're loved unconditionally and we all struggle with sin daily. 

The fight of the flesh is so active in our lives every day. We are torn between doing things that we desire versus the things God desires of us. Wanting to live a life WE want and do the things WE want cause it's your life, right? You should be able to do things that make you happy. Well, not exactly. When it's convenient for us, we serve Jesus. "Hi Jesus, I'll go to church next Sunday, I'm too tired.. Hi Jesus, I'm just gonna get drunk today cause it's my friends birthday and I rarely drink." ..We begin to make excuses for why we sin and why we said "me first". Here's the thing, Jesus doesn't settle for second place in your life. He wants all or nothing. But it makes sense. Would you be content with being in a relationship or friendship with someone who only invests in you when it's convenient for them? If your answer is yes, you sit on a throne of lies. Jesus wants all of you, all the time. You. The creator of this Universe chooses you. Now, I don't know about you, but that is happiness. That's someone I want to pursue back. Think about it like a relationship. When you're in a relationship with someone, what do you want? them. You want to know what they want, what they like. You want to make them happy. You love them so much that even if it's not what you prefer, you do what they want because you know it makes them happy and making them happy, makes you happy and half the time you don't even think anything of it, you just do it because you love them THAT MUCH and you know they'd do the same for you. That's how it should be with Jesus. To some people, the Bible is a list of dos and don'ts, but to me it's just a list of what makes Jesus happy. Just like any other relationships, we're not always going to please Jesus, but when you're so in love with Him and understand the sacrifices He makes for you, obeying His commands slowly becomes a no thinker and you just obey them because you're doing it to make the man who loves you more than you can fathom happy.

Here's the cool thing about Jesus. When you disobey Him and choose "me" instead of Him, His love for you doesn't change. He's still crazy about you. He's slow to anger and quick to forgive. His grace is abundant during the times when we fail. Jesus doesn't just wait for you to mess up so He can say "ha, I told you so." He isn't about blame or judgment, He is about grace and love and forgiveness. He is most satisfied in us when we are most satisfied in Him. 

Fighting your desires to please God is hard, but let me tell you, it's worth it. Take a look around, there's no such thing as a "perfect Christian". In fact, Christians seem to be so quick to judge, quick to point the finger and seem to focus more on what people are doing wrong instead of just loving others in spite of their sins. For those of you who don't know Jesus, stop looking at the Christian and start looking at Christ because we are sinners and we at times are terrible representations of what Christ and His love is all about. My heart hurts to admit that, but it's the truth. We're called to love, that's it. The only difference between a "Christian" and a non-Christian is that one knows Jesus and one doesn't. Take a second to really grasp that. 

We are all sinners but thankfully this man named Jesus was brutally murdered on a cross so that we can experience life and life to the full. So that we don't have to be bound to sin and guilt. So that we don't have to carry the weight of this world on our own. So that we can experience forgiveness, unconditional love, grace sufficient, and abundant joy- so that we can have a personal relationship with our Creator. 

Sin is temporary satisfaction. These things might bring you happiness, fun, and pleasure, but it doesn't last. You can convince yourself it takes away the pain or it makes you happy and I'm sure it does, but for how long? 

If you can get drunk just one time and tell me that it took away all the pain, that your problems are now gone, that you've finally experienced pure happiness, I will be impressed. But truth is, it's just masking your hurt, it's not getting rid of it. The feeling didn't last through the next morning, you're awake and you're still hurting. In order to feel that "comfort", you need another drink. One time isn't enough. 

If you can get high and tell me that your broken heart from your unexpected breakup is now healed and the stress from school, work, and a social life has now faded away and your schedule is no longer full, I will be impressed. But the truth is, it's just masking your bitterness and your brokenness, it's not getting rid of it. That feeling didn't last more than a few hours and now the high is gone and you're confused to why all your problems are still just as active. To feel happiness, you smoke another one. One time isn't enough. 

I'm not saying these things to point the finger or make anyone feel bad about the choice they've made or to judge anyone. I'm here to tell you that you aren't the choices you've made or your past mistakes. You're never too far gone to turn your life around. Redemption, forgiveness and grace are right in front of you. Jesus has called you chosen and free. You don't have to live in shame or brokenness anymore. You don't have to live in sin anymore. 

I can give endless examples of the things this world offers and the temporary satisfaction it brings. Really think about it for a minute, when is temporary good enough for you? When is one enough? When are you completely satisfied?

Here's the good news, there's not two of Jesus. There's one and He's enough. You don't need to beg for his affection and you will never be left wanting more. His love brings complete fullness. He is lasting. He can take away your pain. He is capable of healing. He brings joy in the heartache. He isn't temporary. He's real. He's forever. You know how you feel like you have everything you could ever ask for and life is going so good but at the end of the day you're completely empty- you're missing something? Well, that missing piece is Jesus. Whether you want to accept that or not, it's Jesus and you're never going to be fully satisfied without Him. 

So, when you want to give into temptation, when half of you says Jesus and the other half says world, remember that His strength is made perfect in your weaknesses. Conviction is real, it means the Holy Spirit is living inside of you and is active. Let that conviction be a reminder to you that overall, the thing you're really craving right now is Jesus. When you're defensive about something in your life, it usually means it's the sin your struggle with the most. It's okay to struggle. It's okay to feel temptation, it's how you respond to the temptation that is the difference between life and death. Choose life. 

My hope for you is that you would get to know Jesus. The real Jesus and that you would fall so deeply in love with Him to the point where nothing else even matters to you anymore.

He is greater than anything this world has to offer,

my friend. I promise. 

"How can a young person stay on the path of purity? By living according to your word. I seek you with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands. I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you." // Psalm 119:9-11 

friendship is important

| Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another." Proverbs 27:17 | 

During these past few days, I've asked a few of my friends what they want to hear about in my blogs. I've gotten topics like full dependance on God, complete surrender, more on cystic fibrosis,... all super important topics that I'd be happy to share about. But two responses I got today really tugged on my heart. 

One of my closest friends, Liv, is currently in Bali right now serving Jesus with YWAM. This girl lives life to the full. Liv has been gone for almost five months now traveling from Australia to Papau New Guinea to East Timor to Bali just learning how to be God's hands and feet. She comes home in December and I can't begin to tell you how excited I am to be reunited with her!! Her heart is so big, her life is the proof of God's love, her love for others is ridiculous, her smile, oh her smile, it's contagious... I can go on for days about this special friend of mine. She is just an overall joy and blessing in my life and I'm so incredibly thankful for her friendship. I miss her excessively but God is working measures in her life right now and using her daily to help the lost get found. I couldn't be more proud of her and her selfless heart and her complete dependance on Christ in every area of her life. Well, the reason I mention Liv is because today I texted her and asked her what I should write about in my blog tonight and this was her response:

"OH OH ASK JESUS. LIKE LITERALLY CLOSE YOUR EYES ASK HIM WHAT HE WANTS YOU TO SAY AND WAIT. HE WILL TELL YOU :)" 

...WHO SAYS THAT?! this girl. always putting Jesus first. I love it. I love her. I love her responses to things and how she's always speaking wisdom to me. 

So I did it. I closed my eyes and I asked Jesus what He wanted me to blog about tonight. I wasn't given an answer right away but about fifteen minutes after I stopped praying, I received a text from my sweet friend Haley, who lives in Louisiana and also has cystic fibrosis, responding to my previous question of "what should I blog about?".. and through her, Jesus made it clear to me what to write about. 

This is what she said: 

"Maybe about the importance of friends to help you get better.. That's one thing I've noticed is different with you, which is awesome! It makes me a little jealous! My hospital is 4 hours away from my friends, so I never have friends come visit me.. That's hard. That's why I always get depressed. I actually just recently got off of depression meds."  

My heart was immediately filled with gratitude. If I'm real here, I never fully understood how much my friends love me, how blessed I am to have such constant friends and how important these friendships are. 

When I'm in the hospital, I have countless amounts of visitors and texts messages from all of the incredible people in my life. I'm constantly encourged and loved on by so many people that I don't know what to do with myself. It's humbling. It's a life bringing experience. Having been told that I have to spend my Thanksgiving in a hospital room this year and having been told that my lung function isn't increasing with two weeks of instensive treatments is something no one wants to hear. Even though I always post about how God's plan is perfect and I'll praise Him through the hard and the happy, my heart is heavy sometimes and I am just so exhausted. Worn, confused and exhausted. Cystic fibrosis is exhausting and I want to be home. I don't want to be confined to a hospital room. Sometimes I am bitter and sometimes I just cry to Jesus. Even though I know who holds my future, I still seem to be scared sometimes. Not knowing what tomorrow holds and what my lung function will be like in a year from now is such a scary thing to me but I'm slowly learning to give that piece fully to Jesus. I trust Him, but it's that complete surrender part that's tough sometimes. 

Anyways, during these hospital stays, I am reminded of how loved I am and Haley helped me realized just how important friendships are. I didn't even know that what I have is so rare, so special. I know that I wouldn't be in the good health I'm in, I wouldn't make it through these hospital stays and I would be missing a whole lot of joy and laughter without my friends and their constant support and encouragement. 

Selfishly, I think of how much of a social life I have while I'm in the hospital and how much or how little of a social life I have at home and I think to myself "People only want to be my friend when I'm sick or in the hospital. When I'm home and healthy, half of these people don't invest half the time they do on me while I'm admitted. Is this a pity party? please tell me it isn't. Do these people reallllly love me?" Satan just takes over my brain and tries to convince me that I'm not TRULY loved.

Today, I got it. I know full well that the friends that visit me in the hospital and text me and comment sweet things on my Instagram posts really love me. For me. Not because they feel bad for me, but because they love me and care deeply about me. No one would drive 45 minutes across town just to sit in a hospital room with someone for hours if they didn't love me. No one would spend their short amount of time home from college in a hospital room if they didn't love me. No one would sleep on an uncomfortable plastic mattress, listening to me cough all night in the hospital if they didn't love me. These friends choose me with their time. and for that, I know I'm loved and I'm eternally grateful for that. 

Don't mistake me, I'm not here to brag about how loved I am or how many friends I have, I'm here to tell you that it's so easy to believe you're not worth it. it's so easy to take friends for granted. it's so easy to not realize just how blessed you really are. I know that all too well. But sometimes we need a hospital stay or breakup or a hard time in our life to realize the greatness of His love and mercy. To realize who is there for you because they love you and not because they pity you. To realize the abundant amount of blessings we are given each day. 

Thanksgiving is just in four days and I'm here to say that I'm so thankful for the gift of friendship and to thank Jesus for giving me such a solid group of friends in my life who are continuously praying for me, encourging me and going out of their  way to let me know I'm cared for. Not everyone gets that. These friends push me to do my my treaments when I'm tired, they remind me that God's plan is bigger than my own, they remind me that joy is found in the messy days and they are reminders to me of God's love for me. I love doing life with you all. Thanks for making the fight a little easier :)

a quick update on jules

I'm going home!! barely.

I convinced the doctors to discharge me from the hospital but here's the compromise. I have tonight and tomorrow to get my lung function climbing up because on friday, I'm coming back to clinic for pft's (lung function test) and if my lung function hasn't changed or it decreases, I go back to the hospital. This is a little frustrating and a slight slap in the face considering they're only giving me barely two days to prove to them that I can get my lung function up at home but this is where I have to put all my trust in God. He's made a way for me to go home, I know He'll help me to get my lung function up in what seems like an impossible scenario. 

but hey, I'm going home. I can't wait to sleep in my bed and hug my puppy. 

His timing, not mine

"Seek the Lord and wait for what He has in store, and know that great is your reward, so just be hopeful." // Clear the Stage, Jimmy Needham

I have found so much truth in this. Thoughout every circumstance in my life, happy or hard, I've learned that keeping my eyes on Jesus and waiting quietly while He works is the key to life and life abundant. Notice how I didn't say that is the key to a perfect, happy life. We were never promised a life free of pain and disappointment, but we were promised a God who takes broken things and makes them beautiful and a God who promises to never disappoint us. 

So, why do we tend to blame God when life gets hard and disappointment is real? Deuteronomy 31:6 says, "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never LEAVE you nor forsake you." 

Repeatedely in the Bible, God reminds us that He is the reason for every GOOD thing, that He works everything for OUR good [Romans 8:28], that His love NEVER fails, that He is FOR us and not against us, so why do we point the finger at God everytime pain comes? 

We have this twisted image of who God is and instead of digging into His word and getting to know the real, loving, honest, unfathomable God, we make a list in our heads of all the qualities we think God is and all the things we expect out of Him and when our list doesn't match up with the scenarios in our lives, we question Him and who He is. We point the finger. 

| Friends, throw away your list and open up your Bible to His promises. Get to know the REAL God because I can promise you that if your list of who God is contradicts itself with the situations in your life, you're following the wrong God |

••••••••••

I've been at Stanford for 9 days now on iv antibiotics and 4 times a day airways clearance and breathing treatments. I came in with 83% lung function and them it went to 69 and now it's at 70. my small airways were at 28% and they have increased to 41 which is awesome. My only explanation to this is that being confined to a hospitial room isn't allowing me to go to the gym and move my body like I normally do. I've been extremely frustrated these past few days not because my lung function is dropping but because I have a strong feeling to why this is happening and it's been a fight to convince the doctors of this. I can do the same thing I'm doing here in the hospital at home plus exercise. This happens every hospital stay and everytime I go home, my lung function spikes. Thank you to all my friends who have been such a solid support system for me and for loving me well and praying for me constantly. I'm so thankful for you. 

So, today I met with the on call doctor and my cf team to argue why I think sending me home will benefit me. I spoke up for myself for once and it worked. They heard me. My actual cf doctor is going to come speak to me this afternoon and let me know the plan. I'm a little nervous, but I am reminded that if God wants me out of the hospital, He will make a way. After a complete breakdown last night and surrendering this situation to Him, I finally am feeling that peace that surpasses all understanding. Home or hospitial, God's got me. 

I'm still asking for continuous prayer over my health and protection over my lungs. The same God who healed the blind and the sick and made the paralyzed walk is the one who loves me. He is just as capable of healing now then He was thousands of years ago!! 

when confusion's my companion

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." // Philippians 4:6-7

With five days of iv antiobiotics and four times a day breathing treatments/airway clearance, I did my PFT's (pulmonary function test) today with confidence. I was so optomistic that my lung function had increased from 83% and I was going to leave the hospital tonight.

Today my lung function showed 69%. This means that I'm starting a different iv antibiotic and I'm not leaving the hospital tonight. They're going to redo my PFT's on monday and then we will go from there. 

This seems to always happen to me when I'm admitted. I do intensive treaments for a week and the result is a drastic drop in my lung function. I continue the same regimine for another week and my lung function shows a minor increase. This could mean a lot of things.

a) the antiobiotics aren't being effective. bad.

b) since I'm not at home, moving my body, going to the gym, coughing my lungs out during my breathing treatments- and instead I'm confined to a hospital room, maybe at home airway clearance is more effective. well, get me out of here.

c) the treaments are working which means the mucus is moving around in my airways which means it has removed itself from the walls of the airways and is now obstructing the airways because it's trying to make it's way out of my lungs. this is a plus. 

d) my lungs suck at being lungs. this is true. 

cf is such a sucky, complex disease. Even patients with the same genotype have different results. You can do everything you're supposed to do and bacteria can still make it's way into the lungs and your lung function can still drop. 

Today, I'm in desperate need of that peace that passes all understanding. I don't understand why my lungs do this. I don't understand why my function is decreasing when I'm increasing treatment. I don't understand how my lung function can drop from 91% to 69% in just a months time. I don't understand. I need His peace- that peace that gives me security and hope that my lung function will go back up and all this bacteria in my lungs will die. I don't understand what He's doing, but I know who He is.

Today, I need to be reminded today that He works EVERYTHING for my good, for His glory. I need to be reminded that when confusion is my companion, I will fear no fear because He is near. That my help comes from God. He's my rest, my rescue. He is my strength when I am weak. He's never failed me and He won't start now. God is good, all the time; and all the time, God is good.

I need to be in constant prayer because prayer is so powerful. He knows my every single need. He gets me. 

If I win, I praise Him. If I lose, I praise Him. He's constant, always. He is capable of anything and everything. 

God, I trust you. This is all Yours. I'm

all Yours. You got this. You come through, You always do. 

strangely answered prayers

This past weekend I layed snuggled up in bed with a 100.4 fever, a brutal cough, countless cups of hot tea, and grey's anatomy on netflix. I think I caught a little bug from someone. Not fun.

The difference between me catching a small bug like a cold or the flu is that you take some vitamins, spend a few yucky days in bed and then you're all better. When I catch a bug, I'm usually admitted in the hospital for a week or more. When flu season comes around, I have to be extremely vigilant on staying away from the stuffy noses and sneezes because my body doesn't process small viruses like you do. My lung function decreases and when my lung function decreases, it's a fight to get it back up. 

"Good lung function" for a person with cf (cystic fibrosis) is anywhere from 80%-115%. On average, a person with cf's lung function drops 2-4% per year. That may not seem like a lot but it all adds up- and quickly. 

So, Monday afternoon I was admitted to the hospital. It was very much a surprise to me because my lung function was 91% before I was sick and after it was 83%. I was expecting it to be in the 70's, but it wasn't. I was so happy because 83% isn't bad news, I did think I'd have to be admitted. Well, my doctor disagreed with me. 

To be completely real here, I was so angry. I don't have time to miss classes. I have a huge biology presentation due next week, finals are just around the corner and putting college aside, I am fine. I don't need to be in the hospital. This is pointless. If they need to give me iv antiobiotics then I could do it at home. If they need to increase my treatments to four times a day instead of two, I could do that at home too. Why am I even here?

These past few months I've been praying daily for motivation, for focus, for a push. I'll go weeks keeping up with my treatments and meds and staying on top of my cystic fibrosis... and then I'll lose motivation and I'll go days without doing my treatments. I just get lazy and keeping up with my treaments all the time gets tiring. Sometimes I just need a break. The problem is with cf, there's no room for "breaks". Everyday is a fight. You may feel fine and look fine but missing treatments makes a huge impact on your health. You don't feel like it makes a difference but mucus builds up in the lungs, bacteria increases and lung function decreases. You just don't feel the affects right away and that's what's deceiving. You convince yourself that since you feel fine and look fine, you're fine, right? Unfortunately, cystic fibrosis doesn't work that way. It's an invisible disease. It's so easy to miss treatments and lose motivation sometimes. 

On top of having little motivation to keep up with my treatments, halfway through the quarter I lose motivation to keep up with my work. College is great, I love it. But, the work load is heavy and if you procrastinate, you get yourself into a hole and it's a little bit of a struggle to get out of it. You would think years of procrastination would teach me to not procrastinate but it didn't. I think we've all been there. Anyways, as you can see, I lose motivation easily- in multiple areas of my life. 

So, I started praying for a push. 

Right when I was 7 chapters behind on my book for my read 211 class, right when I realized I have a 15 minute presentation due in biology in a week, right when I started not going to the gym and missing a few treatments here and there, I was put in the hospital. 

Today, as I was doing my homework while I was doing my vest (a device used for airway clearance) and my breathing treaments, I got it. I realized why I am in the hospital. I've been praying for motivation, dedication and focus and Jesus revealed that to me. This isn't the first time He's done this. He knows that being confined in a hospital room with nothing to do, no where to go, little to distract me, I would have to focus on my health and my schoolwork. He's right. I mean, I wasn't thinking a hospital stay as an answer to my prayers, but God works in weird ways. He knows me better than I know myself. His plan might not make sense to me but it sure is better than anything I plan for myself and He is constantly reminding me of this. 

I love that about God. He is always surprising me. He is always answering my prayers in the most bizarre ways. He's always confirming with me that He's for me and not against me. Some may see being in the hospital as a punishment or something negative, but I see this as time for me to focus. Focus on Jesus, focus on school, focus on my health. No distractions, just focus. 

Sometimes blessings comes through raindrops. Sometimes the trials of this life are His mercies in disguise. 

Today I'm grateful for oddly answered prayers and a God who works everything together for my good. 

"My health may fail and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart... He is mine forever." // Psalm 73:26

love is...

| "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 | 

Love. 

The worldly definition of love is all about me. it's all about getting. what can I get out this relationship? am I happy? does this person treat me well? can I do better? we base relationships off of sayings like; don't waste your time on people who don't don't deserve you. do what makes you happy, treat others how they deserve to be treated. Those are deceiving, they're lies. Reality is, the world's view of love is pure selfishness. We don't even realize it sometimes. Jesus' love is the complete opposite. It's all about giving. It's unconditional, He laid down His life for you. He said, when you don't deserve it, I love you. When you're hard to love, I love you. I died because I love you.

If you think about it, Jesus doesn't gain too much from being in a relationship with you, yet He loves you and pursues. We deserve nothing yet He gives us everything. His love is perfect. His love is selfless. That's true love. That's the kind of love we all crave, the love we do just about anything to receive from others. We all just want to be loved, wanted, chased after everyday, despite our flaws. That love is real and it's reaching out for you saying, "don't you get it? I'm all you've ever wanted. I've been here all along, I've never left you. I'm the missing piece. all I want is you. I just want you to love me back. Why are you searching so hard for love and acceptance in empty things when it's right here?" that love is Jesus. and you will never be satisfied without Him. 

We are called to love like Jesus loves. 1 Corinthians 13 tells us what love looks like- How we are called to love. 

Love is patient, love is kind,.. we've heard it before. But how does this affect our relationships with others? How does this look in our lives? / What if love wasn't "me first"? What if joy came from giving and not receiving? What if we stayed when it got hard? What if we showed grace when they didn't deserve it? Truthfully, it sounds easier than it really is. We tell someone, "Forever & Always" but what we actually mean is "forever until you hurt me. always until you're hard to love. I'll love you until I get bored." If we're going to be honest here, that's not love. Love is more than just a word; it's a noun AND a verb. We are called to love deeply. We are called to love when loving gets hard. We were given love, we are called to share that love. God is love. Without Him, we fail. We cannot, as imperfect humans, love on our own. We need Christ to step in and love for us when we are weak, when we can't. That's the cool thing about Jesus. When we can't, He can. The love he offers us is greater than life itself. It's fulfilling. It's abundant. It's unconditional. It's easy to search for this perfect love in relationships, money and possessions... but let's not get caught up in the unfulfilling, temporary things- let's remember the one one thing that can give us complete satisfaction and rest fully on Him. Jesus.

Let's not just understand what true love is, but let's learn to apply these verses to the relationships/friendships in our lives. Let's learn to love and love well. 

thankfulness

thankful: adj.

• : glad that something has happened or not happened, that something or someone exists, etc.

• : of, relating to, or expressing thanks

I feel like there's more to being thankful than just well, being thankful. it's more than just counting blessings or realizing how blessed you are on thanksgiving day or Christmas morning. it's more than just a "thank you" or "I'm thankful for...". the dictionary uses the words "to be glad that something has or hasn't happened". while these things are absolutely truth about thankfulness, I'm convinced that there's a deeper meaning to the word. 

what if being thankful really means to say, "thank you" for the things that have caused pain in our life? what if being thankful means to praise Jesus in the storms of our lives and not just the happy days? what if giving thanks is more than just showing gratitude and contentment when we aren't content? what if thankfulness means to be content when life isn't the way we want it to be?

hear me out. we should be thankful for the good things, the happy, the joyful and the blessings. we should thank God daily for the things he has given us- friends, family, a roof over our head, more than one outfit choice, food in our bellies every day, money in our wallets (some more than others)- we should let our friends and family know how thankful we are to have them in our lives, we should be in constant thanksgiving. 

but notice how easy it is to be thankful for your best friend when they bring you Starbucks to school. or when they pick up the phone at 11 o'clock at night because you have some crazy story to tell them. or when they come over to your house to watch movies and have deep conversations about life... but are you still thankful for your best friend when they ditch the plans you guys had for better ones? or when they told someone that one thing they swore they'd never tell? or when they bring up something that happened in 2012? soon, your "thanks for being my best friend" is more of a "thanks for being the worst friend ever". 

or notice how easy it is to thank Jesus for the abundant amounts of blessings he's given you. for protecting you and your family. for answering your prayers just how you wanted. it's easy being grateful when everything is going your way. when life is good. when your family is healthy. when money is in the bank. when your grades are good. when your friends have your back. but just when the table turns and the credit card declines, your parents get a divorce, your best friend breaks your trust, you have to move again, your grades start to drop,... all those things you were thankful for yesterday- a secure home, a happy family, a best friend, money, good grades.. you're not so thankful for anymore. in fact, your thankful heart turns bitter and you start to question if God is even there. you're confused. you feel empty, lost, hopeless. thankful is the last thing you are right now.

well, what if thankful is a word we learn to use when we aren't conent with our lives? when we're in the midst of chaos and confusion. when we're caught deep in the valley. 

listen to Paul's response to suffering:

Philippians 4:10-13 //

10 "I rejoice greatly in the Lord that at last you have renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you have been concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. 11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.13 I can do everything through him who gives me strength."

during his imprisonment, Paul still found a way to be thankful. He was reminded that he has a God who has all the days of his life planned out. that works everyrhing for HIS good. that loves him immensely and knows what's best for him. that he serves a God who is constant always. through the days of plenty and the days of need. Paul learned that being thankful was more than just giving thanks during the good time and being thankful for the good things but being thankful when life is hard because God is in control and there's always something to be thankful for.

today I am thankful for a God who knows what he's doing and reminds me that there are so many things to be thankful for, even when I don't see it.