when confusion's my companion

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." // Philippians 4:6-7

With five days of iv antiobiotics and four times a day breathing treatments/airway clearance, I did my PFT's (pulmonary function test) today with confidence. I was so optomistic that my lung function had increased from 83% and I was going to leave the hospital tonight.

Today my lung function showed 69%. This means that I'm starting a different iv antibiotic and I'm not leaving the hospital tonight. They're going to redo my PFT's on monday and then we will go from there. 

This seems to always happen to me when I'm admitted. I do intensive treaments for a week and the result is a drastic drop in my lung function. I continue the same regimine for another week and my lung function shows a minor increase. This could mean a lot of things.

a) the antiobiotics aren't being effective. bad.

b) since I'm not at home, moving my body, going to the gym, coughing my lungs out during my breathing treatments- and instead I'm confined to a hospital room, maybe at home airway clearance is more effective. well, get me out of here.

c) the treaments are working which means the mucus is moving around in my airways which means it has removed itself from the walls of the airways and is now obstructing the airways because it's trying to make it's way out of my lungs. this is a plus. 

d) my lungs suck at being lungs. this is true. 

cf is such a sucky, complex disease. Even patients with the same genotype have different results. You can do everything you're supposed to do and bacteria can still make it's way into the lungs and your lung function can still drop. 

Today, I'm in desperate need of that peace that passes all understanding. I don't understand why my lungs do this. I don't understand why my function is decreasing when I'm increasing treatment. I don't understand how my lung function can drop from 91% to 69% in just a months time. I don't understand. I need His peace- that peace that gives me security and hope that my lung function will go back up and all this bacteria in my lungs will die. I don't understand what He's doing, but I know who He is.

Today, I need to be reminded today that He works EVERYTHING for my good, for His glory. I need to be reminded that when confusion is my companion, I will fear no fear because He is near. That my help comes from God. He's my rest, my rescue. He is my strength when I am weak. He's never failed me and He won't start now. God is good, all the time; and all the time, God is good.

I need to be in constant prayer because prayer is so powerful. He knows my every single need. He gets me. 

If I win, I praise Him. If I lose, I praise Him. He's constant, always. He is capable of anything and everything. 

God, I trust you. This is all Yours. I'm

all Yours. You got this. You come through, You always do.