seeking hope in the midst of tragedy

In the midst of tragedy, it’s so easy to become hopeless. It seems like as each day passes, this world gets darker and darker. Constant news reports of bombings, terrorist attacks, shootings, genocides,.. are just filling up our social media feeds. When will it end? Each devastating story reminds us a little more vividly every time of just how broken we are and how tight of a grasp Satan has on this world. We tend to get lost in the darkness and for a moment we convince ourselves that this world is too far gone from being saved. In those moments of doubt and hopelessness, we give Satan control. 

Today, my heart, and a billion others, are deeply saddened for our nations. “#prayforparis, #prayforparis, #prayforparis” - more than 10 million people have used this hashtag today. Think about this. In the midst of tragedy, people across the world- men and women of faith, men and women of no faith, people who pray and people who have no idea what prayer even is, ones who believe in God and ones who don’t are saying the words, “pray for Paris.” In this time of fear, oppression, confusion, brokenness, and complete desperation, our world is crying out for help, for a hope. Nations are turning to the power of prayer; seeking something greater than this tragedy- something that offers peace, hope, comfort, and healing when it feels like there’s none. This world is reaching for something more, something omniscient, believing that it’s going to do something. We’re so against prayer yet our only response to tribulation is prayer because we all know in the depths of our hearts that the One we’re praying to is real, able, and sovereign. This world is crying out for Jesus and they don’t even know it. 

Light will not be overcome by darkness. A sin-filled, lost world in desperate need of a Savior. Evil is present and Satan is active, but so is our mighty, mighty God. He gave himself for our sins so He might rescue us from this present evil age {Galatians 1:4}. Jesus wins every time. It's not over yet. 

Let us hold steadfast to the God of hope and let our prayer be this:

"Open our eyes, Lord let us see / All that you are, all that you mean / Open our ears, Lord, let us hear / all that you are, be loud and clear / please be near / As our praises rise, may your presence fall / Heaven, Heaven fall down / Spirit, Spirit pour out on us all now / Come, Jesus, come / come like the wind, fill up this place, we welcome You in / Come like the rain / Open the sky, show us Your face, oh, Lord, we wait / We’re crying out in desperation / waiting now in expectation / crying out in desperation for you / we’re waiting for you” Heaven Fall Down // Phil Wickham

to live is christ, to die is gain

       {Phil Wickham // Lake Perris, Ca}

I've been in the church my whole life and I've been to countless Christian concerts. Being in a room full of people lifting their hands and their voices in worship is nothing new to me. I've witnessed the Holy Spirit move over and over and over again. I've seen hearts be changed and eyes be open to the goodness of Christ and fullness of life- but last night my heart was broken for this world and I felt the presence of Jesus on this Southern California fairground richer than ever.

I think it's because of all the persecution of Christians around this nation that's being brought to light lately- ISIS, Charleston shooting, the Umpqua College in Oregon shooting, the Mexican drug cartel- we hear story after story of these people who firmly hold to the name of Jesus and get unfathomably tortured to death for it. I mean, it's been happening since Jesus times and the Bible tells us that it won't stop -- "A servant is not greater than his king. Because I was persecuted, you too will be persecuted." // John 15:20. 

My heart is heavy for these people and for this sick, sin-filled world. Phil Wickham silences his voice and let's the crowd lead- "Yahweh, Yahweh! We love to shout your name, O Lord"- hands high and voices ascending- I was completely overwhelmed in that moment.

I'm outside with hundreds of other believers worshipping my Jesus publicly. PUBLICLY. I'm not hidden. I am in the open. I'm not consumed with fear of who might be watching or what might happen to me- I'm just freely and carelessly worshipping.

I guess it's just always been something that's so routine for me, something I just do without thought. I've never really understood just how unbelievably fortunate I am to live in a place where I can do this. It's extremely humbling to come to the realization that millions of people don't have this freedom and yet they still choose to boldly proclaim the name of Jesus even if it results in their death. It's a reminder that we serve a God who is SO worthy of our full attention. He's deserving of more than just half of our heart and our attendance at church. He's deserving of a radical obedience. He's more than just this convenient God who helps us when we need something beyond our ability or this God we thank when life is good. He's better. I think that if we really took the time to understand the depths of who God is, what He has done and what He promises to do, our hearts would be changed. When we realize that we have no purpose without Him, our lives change- we experience the fullness of life. 

As followers of Christ, these stories of persecution should wake us up. It should make us move.  We should want nothing more than to be pursuing Jesus daily- digging into His word, being in constant communication with Him, loving others recklessly- our hearts should be all-consumed with Him.

Living in America, being put to death for claiming the name of Jesus is not something we usually live in fear of. Though it definitely happens here, our biggest fear tends to be what people might think of us if we choose to live of eternal pursuit instead of temporary satisfaction. Though we might not ever experience physical persecution, we're called to put ourselves to death. Luke 9:23 says, "And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him die to self and take up his cross daily and follow me." - dying to self is saying, "God, I don't live for me, I live for you." It's placing Christ over everything in your life and living in complete obedience to Him; leaving behind those things that are temporary and saying, "God you are better than the things of this life." 

"And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires." // Galatians 5:24

We might face 'social death' by choosing this life and we have to make that choice to daily die to self but the reward of Heaven and doing life with Jesus is so much more fulfulfilling. For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. (Philippians 1:21) 

Jesus, today I thank you for being a God worth dying for- for giving me freedom and for pursuing me even when I'm not pursuing you. 

come and rest in my love

I have looked you in the eyes
I have seen the tears you cried
I have heard you question why

You are here

There is a reason, there's a plan

There is a God Who understands

He's got your life inside His hands

Have no fear, 'cause He says

In all your hurt, in all your pain

I'll never leave, I won't forsake

You're my child and I'm your God

Come and rest in my love

I know this road is steep

And I know you're tired and weak

But the God of perfect peace

Is right here

He is the shelter from the storm

He is a rock, firm and secure

He is hope forever more

Have no fear, 'cause He says

In all your hurt, in all your pain

I'll never leave, I won't forsake

You're my child and I'm your God

Come and rest in my love

When everything seems out of control

I'm holding on, I won't let go

You're my child and I'm your God

Come and rest in my love

There is hope tonight

There is everlasting life

Dry away your tears

'Cause the morning sun will rise

Love will never fail

He will never fail, he says

In all your hurt, in all your pain

I'll never leave, I won't forsake

You're my child and I'm your God

Come and rest in my love

When everything seems out of control

I'm holding on, I won't let go

You're my child and I'm your God

Come and rest in my love

"In My Love" // Phil Wickham

When this song came on my Spotify tonight, I couldn't help but feel completely overwhelmed by my God. As I sat in stillness and really listened to each word, I heard Jesus' voice. I know hurt, confusion and that feeling of life being too much for me to take on all too well. In those moments of loneliness, those moments empty of peace, I forget who God is. I forget that He is constant, even when everything around me- my friends, my health, my home- is not. I forget that He is the God of perfect peace; a rock, firm and secure. He is true, even in my wandering. He is not a distant God, He's here. Even when I don't get it, or when I feel no one gets it, He is a God who understands. 

My source of comfort is knowing that I am intimately loved by a God who gets it and invites me to rest in His love when I am weakest, when I have nowhere else to run. I'm reminded yet again of His overwhelming adoration for me.

When you are in the midst of pain, remember that You are His child and He's your God. He knows what He's doing and He promises it's for your good- even when you can't see it.
You are known.
You are chosen.
You are loved.
You are held.
You are His.

"In My Love" // Phil Wickham

out with the old, in with the new

Good news. I'm alive. 

It's been a wild past few months to say the least. When I say wild I mean full of joy, excitement and change!! 

My mom is engaged!! This September, I gain a wonderful stepdad, three beautiful sisters, two brother in laws, two sweet little nieces and a new home. Ahh, my heart is so full.

Twenty-four units later, I am officially done with my freshman year of college!! Being home and attending a community college for my first year wasn't my ideal plan, but as the year progressed, I learned that God's plan was so much greater than mine. God knew that entering into this new adventure called adulthood, I wasn't ready to just jump in. Having to find a balance between friends, change, schoolwork and frequent hospital admissions, I needed to slowly ease into this new chapter of life. Three out of five of my finals were done in my hospital room. That should give you a little glimpse of where a lot of my freshman year was spent. I constantly found myself missing treatments and not exercising my body (something you're not allowed to do when you have a life threatening lung disease) because I was purely focused on school and maintaining a GPA. It took me until this month to really understand the importance of putting my lungs as my priority. HA, after nineteen years of living with CF, you would think I would have learned that one years ago. Crazy what adulthood does to someone ;) - I'm proud to say that I haven't missed a treatment in over two weeks, I've cut out {most} junk food and I have dedicated an hour a day to exercise. I'm done going in for a pulmonary function test and leaving with news that my lung function has dropped and I need to be admitted into the hospital yet again. Last time I was at Stanford, my lung function was 82% which is 14% lower than my baseline of 96%. For a lot of patients with CF at my age, 82 is a celebratory number, but for Julie, it's something to worry about. I don't know what my lung function is at today, but I'm confident that when I go in for my appointment in a month that my hard work will show in the numbers (pray for Jules). 

In just two short months, I travel 385 miles away from home to start at Cal Baptist University. I want to enter this new adventure of my life healthier than I've ever been. I have multiple friends with Cystic Fibrosis who have gone into college with good health, but due to the overload of schoolwork, few hours of sleep, poor diet, missing an unhealthy amount of treatments and having little to no time to stay active- within just a years worth of time, they quickly found themselves on full time oxygen with their name on a transplant list. Most not even 21 years old and at a place where they'd never thought they'd be. Callum Finnegan, a twenty-four year old with CF who is currently waiting for new lungs explains it like this, "All my teenage life I thought I was invincible, I thought nothing would stop me. I didn't listen and I didn't care. I would get unwell and my lung function would drop, but I would come back out of hospital after IVs better than ever and I thought I was unstoppable." When I read this, I realized, this is me. I think I am invincible. Until recently, I've never really struggled with maintaining a high lung function. I've stayed out of the hospital for most of my life and my health has never been something I've had to worry about. Now that I'm an adult, things are different. Disease progresses, life gets fuller and fuller and it's more difficult than ever to stay on top of my health. I'm not ready for the reality of someone living with Cystic Fibrosis to become my reality. Thanking Jesus for protecting my lungs during those times of missed meds and stripping me of my prideful self- motivating me to fight CF. I'm grateful for a God who fights this gnarly disease with me and has gracefully given me extra days of life on Earth. 

Okay, back to the whole freshman year of college thing... I learned some things.

1. Julie, your lungs are your priority. Everything else comes second. 

2. I can't do life on my own. I need Jesus in everything.

3. I gained self-discipline, patience, and self-control.

4. My strengths are writing, encouraging, cardio (I know, this surprised me too) and sleeping in.

5. My weaknesses are logrhythms, pizza, responding to people's texts and filling out financial aid forms on time.

6. I learned what full dependance on Jesus and HIS timing looks like.

7. "Sometimes God prunes us when He is about to take us into a new season of growth ad expansion." Christine Caine

8. College is not like high school. 

9. You think adulthood means freedom? Think again. I've had more responsibilities just this past year than I have my whole childhood combined.

10. Junior college isn't as terrible as everyone makes it out to be. 

11. Financial aid and the college transfer system are not your friends.

12. Multitasking is not my forte; multitasking needs to be my forte.

Praise Jesus for slowing easing me into this whole adult thing. Reflecting on this past year, I see how much Jesus protected me by keeping me home another year. It was a rough beginning watching all my friends move out and start new lives at their universities, but in the midst of it all, I see that God really challenged me and worked on my heart in multiple aspects of my life, forcing me to lean on Him, even when it was hard. I'm reminded that He makes good out of every. single. thing. 

Here's to new adventures, new homes and full hearts.

living life with cystic fibrosis

 << a little end to the month of may / Cystic Fibrosis awareness month >>

On April 19, 1996, I came into this world prematurely with a life threatning lung disease called Cystic Fibrosis. This little thing was told she was only going to live to be 18. I'm overjoyed to say that I'm 19 years old and still breathing with the same lungs- no oxygen tank, no lung transplant.

Cystic Fibrosis is a genetic disorder that affects 70,000 people worldwide. Let's just take a moment and recognize there are one million people alone just in my city. 

Currently, the life expectancy for someone living with Cystic Fibrosis is 37 years old and it's only increasing. Praise Jesus. CF mainly affects the lungs but also the digestive system, reproductive system, sinuses, sweat glands, liver and kidneys. CF causes the body to produce thick, sticky mucus that builds up in the airways which leads to life-threatening lung infections. This abnormally thick mucus also obstructs the pancreas which stops natural enzymes form helping the body break down food and absorb nutrients (click here for more about CF). 

Just one month with Cystic Fibrosis consists of 560 enzymes and 250 vitamins. 62 puffs of Advair, 124 puffs of Xopenex and 15 sinus rinses; 1,860 minutes doing breathing treatments- that's 186 vials of medicine and 62 vest treatments. A home nurse comes once a month to flush my port in my chest so I don't get any clots or infections. Here's the thing, this isn't just one month, it's every month. This is my life. Sometimes these hours of treatments and hundreds of pills aren't enough. Bacteria makes it's way into my lungs or my lung function drops and I have to be admitted into the hospital for a minimum of two weeks; iv antibiotics, blood draws every few hours and double the treatments. A life of endless doctor appointments and constant coughing. Reality is, life with Cystic Fibrosis is unpredictable and it's a fight, but I serve a God who fights every battle for me and has given me fullness of life.

These scars are physical evidence of my fight against my internal, invisible disease called Cystic Fibrosis. It's extremely rare to see me post pictures of my body because I am insecure about the box shaped body I have due to CF, living in a society who puts so much importance on curves and a flat stomach. Today I choose to be brave, confident and vulnerable as I expose just another piece of who I am to you.

Fundoplication : The tightening of the valve between my esophagus and my stomach which stops acid reflux.  

Pyloroplasty: Widening the opening in the lower part of my stomach so that my stomach contents can empty into my small intestine. The scar going vertically down the center of my stomach.

Ileostomy: Opening in my belly wall that was made during surgery to remove waste out of my body because my colon didn't function properly. Removal of part of my small intestine; The horizontal scar. 

There's a small dot like scar hidden underneath my shirt to the left of my vertical scar which is where I had a feeding tube because I couldn't gain weight.

Port (Portacath): A catheter connecting a little medical appliance to a vein underneath my skin. Used for delivery of iv antibiotics. 

My stomach scars have been there since the first day of my life and my port was recently placed in October 2014. 

"You restored me to health and let me live. Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish. In your love you kept me from the pit of destruction" // Isaiah 38:16-17

Over and over again I'm reminded that my life here on Earth is so temporary; life with Cystic Fibrosis is so temporary. I have chosen to put my trust, my whole life in the hands of a God who is wildly in love with me and who is continuously taking the broken things in my life and brining good out of them. I trust that during those moments where I don't understand, He is still there, He is still God. I have seen His provision, His faithfulness, His healing hand, His fulfilled promises and His protection over my life. I have experienced the peace that surpasses all understanding and I've experienced joy on my sad days. Every day of my life, even the hard days, are never wasted because I've got a God whose plan far exceeds my own. He is so real and He is so good.

Until a cure is found, until Jesus returns or until my last breath, I will fight to breathe and spend all my days telling people about the hope I've found and the abundant life they can have in Jesus. Cystic Fibrosis is just a little piece of who I am- my identity and my worth is found in Christ alone. 

"For this sickness will not lead to death, but to God's glory." // John 11:4

Help support me in my fight against Cystic Fibrosis

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come as you are

"And after Adam and Eve had sinned, God called to the man: “Where are you?” He answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.” And He said, “Who told you that you were naked?" // Genesis 3:9-11 

Isn't it amazing that even after thousands of years, our response to sin and God's response to sin seems to remain the same? Just like Adam, when we sin, we feel ashamed, dirty and unworthy; so we run, we hide. 

Immediately after he sinned, God called for Adam. When God called out to Adam, He wasn't trying to find him. God knew well where Adam was hiding; He's God. But in that moment, God's heart was purely longing for Adam to come running back to Him, the one who loved Him. When I read the words, "Where are you?", I can just hear God crying out these words from a shattered heart: Son, "Where. Are. You..." 

Then God goes further to say, "Who told you that you were naked?". Again, God knew the answer. 

But I believe this was His was of saying to Adam, "Why are you ashamed? Why are you hiding from me? Who told you that you were unworthy? Who told you that nakedness was something to be embarrassed of? It wasn't me. I want you as you are- dirty, broken, naked and lost. I am your CREATOR and I love you immensely. Run to me. Do not be ashamed." 

 [Remember that before the fall of man, before sin had made its way into the world, being naked wasn't shameful. It was a normal thing. Sin changed that]

Just in these three short verses, God paints this vivid picture that demonstrates His perfect, all-consuming, unconditional love for us. His heart hurts when you're hurting. All He wants is an intimate relationship with you- for you to understand the depths of His love and affection for you. 

I find it incredibly humbling to serve a God, to be fully-known by a God who meets me in the midst of my messy, sin-filled life and still says, "I love you. I want you." I am constantly reminded of just how sinful I am, how deeply I need Jesus and how much my God adores me. 

I hope that as you find yourself caught in the middle of sin and shame- feeling undeserving of grace, forgiveness and love, that you would remember just how loved you truly are and what has been done for you on the cross; that you would know that there is no condemnation for those who belong to Jesus. That you would hear God's voice saying, "where are you?" and that you would respond to Him by running straight into His open arms, just as you are.

"Sin isn't breaking rules. It's violating love- it's breaking relationship. God says, if you love me, you won't break my heart. If you love me, you will cherish and treasure me and our relationship. if you love me, in all your freedom and choices, you will make choices to protect our love- how you use your freedom shows if you love me, more than if you obey a set of rules. I want your heart." // Danny Leesilk

"Come as You are" // Crowder

because when you're wildly in love with someone, it changes everything

When you're in a relationship with someone, you strive to know everything about them. You get to know their likes and their dislikes, what makes them happy and what upsets them. You make time to be with them, even if it's only for a few minutes. You get to know who they are on the deepest level possible. The thing is, you don't just get to know this person because you have to, but because you love them. Getting to know every little thing about them is something you enjoy, something you take pleasure in doing. Knowing who you're in a relationship with is so important. I know that sounds obvious and somewhat silly, but it's true. We should be continually discovering new things about the person we love and wanting to grow closer in our relationship with them.

We often make sacrifices for the one we love. We go out of our way to make this person happy because they're worth it. They're first thing you think about when you wake up and the last thing on your mind when you fall asleep. They're the person you want to talk to when you're having a rough day. They're the first person you want to tell when something exciting has happened. Talking to them is your favorite part of your day. When you're away from each other, you miss them and all you can think about is being with them. You are so crazy about this person and everyone knows it- you just can't stop talking about them. You slowly open your heart to this person and allow them into every area of your life, every part of your heart, even the places that are sensitive to you. Trust and communication becomes the foundation of your relationship. You fall in love with your best friend and you can't get enough of them.

This is what our relationship with Jesus should look like. This constant need to be with Him every second of every day, constantly craving intimacy with Him. We should be pursing Him daily; getting to know His heart and His desires- falling so in love with Him to the point where nothing else on this earth matters. An infatuation, a obsession. We radiate joy because we're so in love. People want want we have. He is the first thing on our mind when we wake up and the last thing on our mind when we fall asleep- this never ending thirst for more and more and more of Jesus- because when you're wildly in love with someone, it changes everything.

But you need to be all in or all out because no one wants to be in a relationship with someone who is only giving half their heart.

when we think no one gets it, Jesus does

Good Friday; a day dedicated to remember a hard, painful death of a man who didn't deserve it. Tomorrow, Easter Sunday, we celebrate the fulfilled promise that this same man, just three days later, had conquered death and brought himself to life again so that we, sinful and so undeserving, could live a life with Him; free and forgiven. 

Man.

Jesus. Was. A. Man.

I think sometimes we forget that Jesus was a man. A human. He absolutely lived a life here on Earth for thirty-three years. As silly as that may sound to you, it is so incredibly important to understand. I think we also tend to forget just how much Jesus experienced as a man and I'm convinced that we need to be reminded of these things.

Temptation, divorce, abandonment, unfaithful friends, abuse, suffering,... Jesus experienced it all.
In Matthew 4, the devil had tempted Jesus by offering him an easy way out of his suffering, his crucifixion. He offered him all the kingdoms of the world and all of it's beauty if Jesus just bowed down and worshipped him. Though tempted, Jesus responded "Away from me, Satan! For it is written: 'worship the Lord your God and serve him only.'"

Figuratively speaking, Jesus was married to the nation of Israel. In Jeremiah 31, Jesus had made vows to restore this nation, but even his greatest promises and everlasting love for the people of Israel wasn't good enough. All throughout the Old Testament we see Israel's constant disobedience- choosing their way over God's. The people of Israel had seemingly divorced Jesus.

Hanging on the cross, Jesus cried out to his father, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" (Matthew 27:46). Even Jesus asked "why?". He was abandoned by his own father.

Judas, one of Jesus' twelve disciples, his best friend, was the one who betrayed Jesus, crucifying him.

Jesus was unfathomably abused. Mocked, embarrassed, spit on, a crown of sharp thorns shoved into his head, thick nails hammered through his hands and feet, beaten and whipped over and over and over again, people scorning him, telling him how worthless he is,... abused is an understatement. Jesus was tortured to death. Let me remind you that he endured it all for you. If you were the only one person on this Earth, he still would have gone through it- knowing you might not love him back. That's how deep his love is for you.

Temptation, divorce, abandonment, unfaithful friends, abuse, suffering,... He gets it.

These things are so familiar to us. It's so humbling, so comforting to know that Jesus gets it. When we go through suffering- when friends hurt us, when people we love abandon us, when we're tempted to choose ME instead of HIM- remind yourself that the God who redeems, forgives, unconditionally loves, comforts and strengthens; the God who desperately wants you, treasures you, and adores you; the God of peace, joy and life, shares in your suffering. He hurts when you hurt. He completely understands what you're going through. He's been through it.

Hear this.
"36 Jesus went with them to the olive grove called Gethsemane, and he said, “Sit here while I go over there to pray.” 37 He took Peter and Zebedee’s two sons, James and John, and he became anguished and distressed. 38 He told them, “My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.”39 He went on a little farther and bowed with his face to the ground, praying, “My Father! If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.”40 Then he returned to the disciples and found them asleep. He said to Peter, “Couldn’t you watch with me even one hour? 41 Keep watch and pray, so that you will not give in to temptation. For the spirit is willing, but the body is weak!”42 Then Jesus left them a SECOND time and prayed, “My Father! If this cup cannot be taken away unless I drink it, your will be done.” 43 When he returned to them again, he found them sleeping, for they couldn’t keep their eyes open.

44 So he went to pray a THIRD time, saying the same things again."

Jesus knew was was about to happen. His best friend was about to betray him and he was soon going to be tortured to death. He desperately cried out to God, not once, not twice, but THREE times to please take this suffering away from him. BUT GET THIS. Despite his desperate cry to God to stop what was going to happen to him, he closed each prayer with these words, "not my will but Yours be done." 

This. THIS should be our prayer in everything. It's okay to ask God to take away your pain. He is so capable. But you have to understand that sometimes God is going to say no and you're not going to get it. We aren't supposed to get it. There are always going to be things in our lives that we don't understand- these things that are so incredibly painful for us are God's way of saying "trust me, I know this is hard but I am so incredibly greater than this. You don't understand what I'm doing but later you will." Bad things happen to people who don't deserve it. Look at Jesus. When we surrender fully to Him, when we say, "not my will but Yours", God honors that. Though Jesus had to go through all that pain, he knew that it was only for a little while and he knew the purpose of it all. Three days later, Jesus rose from the dead, walked the Earth for forty days and forty nights and then went to be with His father in Heaven- free of pain and suffering. The cross was the purpose. There's not resurrection without the crucifixion. It's all part of the plan. It pleased God to bruise Jesus because He knew what would come next. 

Let the cross be a reminder that joy comes in the morning and that pain is only temporary.

Today we celebrate all that you are and all that you've done, Jesus. You are so good. 

It. Is. Finished.

this one is for the bad boys, the good boys, and the men

Dear men, (ladies, you're welcome to read this one too)

      First off, I want to apologize on behalf of us girls for labeling all you males as "all guys are the same". The thing is, us girls have been continuously hurt by you guys. The bad boys tell us that were beautiful, that they will never hurt us; they say things like "I love you" or "you're the only girl". These boys spoil us and make us feel so loved, so wanted; like we're the luckiest girl in the world, yet somehow we're left broken-hearted... again and again and again. Then there's the good boys (so we've been told) who tell us that were beautiful, that they will never hurt us; they say things like "I love you" or "you're the only girl". These boys spoil us and make us feel so loved, so wanted; like we're the luckiest girl in the world, yet somehow were left broken-hearted... again and again and again. Did you catch that? I hope so. You see, the "good boys" and the "bad boys" both tells us the same things. We have convinced ourselves that we can change the bad boys and that every good guy who says they won't hurt us really means it. Jokes on us. After being deceived and lied to so many times, you kind of just lose hope; so we put all guys into two categories: the bad guys and the good guys; so when the bad guys AND the good guy breaks our heart, we make this conclusion that every guy only wants one thing (our body) and "all guys are the same". We make this our standard, our low, low standard. Since "all guys are the same", we usually go for any guy who is attractive and shows interest in us. I mean, all guys are the same, right? Who can blame us though?

Now, we put the whole male population into two categories; the bad guys and the good guys, but I'm convinced it's not that black and white. Good news for some of you dudes, there's a third category. It's called "the honest, genuine guys" or in easier terms, "men". Good news for you girls, these guys exist. I think us girls have become so focused on this whole good boy/bad boy thing that we shut out all the men. All the guys who are real, who want the same things as you do, who genuinely respect you, your morals and your boundaries, who pay for your coffee, who brag to their friends about you,  who don't just wait 'till your birthday or valentine's day to show you how special you are; the guys who remind you daily what they like about you, the ones who open your car door for you and always make you feel secure in your relationship; the guys who are kind, faithful, selfless, patient, trustworthy, self-controlling. These guys exist. These guys are men.

I was one of those girls who labeled guys as "they're all the same". I have been hurt by the bad boys, the good boys and even the Christian boys. Now I'm not saying those guys didn't genuinely love Jesus, I'm just saying that just because a guy goes to church and listens to worship music, doesn't mean he won't hurt you. LADIES, there is a fine line between Christian boys and Godly men. Don't mix the two up. Anyways, back to what I was saying. A lot of males in my life have proven to be unfaithful and untrustworthy. I've been disappointed numerous times to the point where I truly believed that all guys are the same.

Recently, a guy came into my life and proved to me that all guys aren't the same and real men exist. If I'm being real here, I was so discouraged from my previous experience with guys that I told myself that this one was going to be just like the others. I was soon proven wrong. You know those things I said about a guy being kind, faithful, and selfless? That guy who pays for your coffee, respects you and wants the same things that you do? This guy was more than that. This guy showed me what a real man looks like and proved to me that honest, genuine guys still exist. This guy loves the Lord wholeheartedly and I see that by the way he lives his life. This guy gets lost in God's word daily, he's passionate and giving. He is in constant prayer over the smallest things and is continuously focusing on the good in people.
Things didn't work out with us, and I'm going to put him on the spot when I say this (please forgive me), when he felt like God wasn't making things progress with us, this first thing he did was pray about it. He asked God to make it clear to him what the right thing to do was and not only that, but when God revealed just what that was to him, he prayed that I would understand that he never wanted to hurt me. When he told me all of this, I smiled. Sounds weird, right? This dude just ended things with me and I'm smiling? Hear me out. I think that me reacting in smiling wasn't because I was excited he was ending things, no, not at all, we both weren't excited about it, but because I finally understood that there's this third category. You see, this guy is different from every other guy I've known and the way he responded to things and the way he handled certain situations was extremely encouraging to me. Because of the level of maturity he has, mentally and spiritually, I absolutely trusted every word he said. When he said he never wanted to hurt me, I knew he meant it. And still to this day, he hasn't hurt me. He's stayed true to his word.

I tell you these things for two reasons:

One. Girls, you're going to get hurt, probably more than once. But don't be discouraged. Remember those guys in the third category. These men aren't going to be in abundance. You're not going to find them everywhere. They're rare. But they're worth it. Don't lower your standards. Don't give yourself away to guys who don't see your value. Wait. I know it's hard sometimes, but I promise you that it's so, so worth it. It's easy to be like the other girls, it takes a real woman to stand by her morals, to be an example to other girls that you don't have to give yourself away or show too much skin to be loved. Remember that you're beautiful, loved, accepted, chosen by the God that created you. The only man that should determine your worth is Jesus, am I right ladies!? I'm going to say it again. Don't lower your standards. Don't settle for anything less than what God says you are.

And number two. Men, guys in category number 3, please forgive us girls for friend-zoning you or just not giving you a chance. Remember what I said that most girls are focused on the bad boys/good boys thing that they forget about the men- it's not always that we forget, it's that we just don't believe that there are guys beyond that, even when they're right in front of us. We're weird, we know. I know it's easy to just say, "screw this." and give up on the whole nice guy thing but I mean this when I say, do not change. Do not lower your standards or throw away your morals. Yes, girls may always go for the guys who aren't worth it, we do that, but at the end of the day, we want you. We crave a guy who will love us unconditionally and show us what a real man looks like. When we stop being dumb by going for guys who don't value us, when we come across and guy like you, you will change us completely. We need you guys to remind us that all guys aren't the same. We might put you in that category for a good while, but I promise you that one day we will come to our senses. Nice guys finish last may be true, but in the end, you're going to be happy that it ended up that way. Keep doing you.

Love, me (and most girls)

gofundme.com/freejulie

Two weeks ago, I was admitted into the hospital due to a gnarly cough and a 20% decrease in lung function. My baseline is in the 90's but when I was admitted, it was at 73%. After a week and a half of I.V. antibiotics, four times a day breathing treatments/airway clearance and five days of steroids, my lung function had dropped to 72%; this seems to be a reoccurring thing for me during hospital admissions. My only explanation to this is that as important as I.V. meds and breathing treatments are to improving my lung function, getting fresh air and moving my body is just as vital. When I'm stuck in a hospital room for two weeks, I am given no opportunity to be active like I usually am at home.

After explaining this to the CF team, they decided to let me out with 72% lung function. The plan is to go home, do my treatments four times a day, exercise a lot and then come back in a week to check my lung function again. If my function shows an improvement next week, then we know that the exercise factor is what we were missing. If my lungs show a decline or no change, I'm back in the hospital again.

Before I went home (tuesday morning), they wanted to check my lung function one last time.
Monday morning it was 72.
Tuesday morning I left the hospital with 91% lung function.
And by this we know that Jesus is alive!!

This is what I like to call the power of prayer; the power of saying, "I trust you, Jesus," in response to whatever happens to you. Understand that it is nearly impossible to have my lung function improve by 20% over night; also understand that God is so beyond capable of doing far beyond all that we ask or imagine. He makes what seems impossible, possible. 

//

During this admission, my mom had started a gofundme account to start raising a little money towards my hospital stays.  Living 45 minutes away from Stanford requires quite a bit of gas and it's becomes costly to feed me outside food. Hospital food is limited and often soggy or bland. The hardest part of these frequent hospital stays is that I am stuck in isolation- which means that I am not allowed to leave my tiny little room. Spending weeks upon weeks in what feels like solitary confinement isn't always easy. Starting this gofundme account has allowed my mom to help provide for me and make these long days in the hospital a little easier.

Unsure of what was to come, we decided to give it a shot; giving this whole account, this whole idea over to God- trusting in His provision.
In just ten short hours, we had already raised $1,000. I couldn't believe it. It was only day one and God was already doing immeasurable things through this account.
I think this gofundme thing goes farther than just the money. I was forced to give up complete control to Jesus and I was taught that it's okay to accept money/gifts from other people- something I have struggled with doing for the past few years. Giving comes fairly easy to me, it brings me joy to bring others joy. Receiving on the other hand is something I am uncomfortable with. The thing is, when a friend doesn't let me buy them coffee when I willingly offer or I just want to do something for someone without anything in return, I get extremely irritated and offended when they resist or say no. Yet, when someone does something for me, my response is the same. Funny how that works.

If receiving wasn't already uncomfortable enough, the majority of the people who gave are ones I'm not really close with. I ask myself, "why". why would someone do this for me? They don't even know me. Still, I don't know why. Everything about this experience has left me speechless, uncomfortable, yet humbled my heart completely. I am constantly amazed by Jesus and the ways He unexpectedly and abundantly blesses my life. Thank you friends and strangers for making me feel so incredibly loved and making these hospital stay and continuous fight against Cystic Fibrosis just a little easier for me and my family. Thank you for helping raise awareness for CF by supporting me and this disease. I can't begin to express how grateful I am. Know that I pray for you all everyday, asking Jesus to extend your money this month.

"Give, and you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full—pressed down, shaken together to make room for MORE, running over, and poured into your lap. The amount you give will determine the amount you get back." // Luke 6:38

help support my fight against cystic fibrosis by donating here // "For this sickness will not lead to death but to God's glory." // John 11:4

do you ever think about...

Do you ever think about how a country 11,000 miles away from you sees the exact same sun and moon as you?
Do you ever think about the ocean; how its waves know just how far to come onto shore?
How gravity allows an 875,000 pound airplane to travel 39,000 feet up in the sky or how this same plane knows exactly where to land; no street signs or landmarks.
How swallowing involves more than 30 different muscles in and around your throat that take action in less than one second.
How you just breathe and blink without thinking about it.
How you could hear a song you haven't listened to for 8 years and remember every lyric or how there are 7 billion people in the world and not one shares the same finger print or tongue print as you?
How you lived and grew inside of someone else's body for 9 months?
How not one snowflake is alike?
Do you ever think about those who are breathing with someone else's recycled lungs or how your brain holds approximately 1,000 gigabytes of information?
How you can see someone face to face or hear someone's voice across the country through a little device?
How a fish can breathe under water without coming up for air or how a long, skinny snake can eat a rat completely whole.
Have you ever looked at the tiny, intricate details of a butterfly; how each wing is identical?
How we can see a star shining from 25 trillion miles away.
How you can sleep for hours and hours, eyes closed, unaware of what's around you, but your body still knows to breathe? 
How the same cup of coffee tastes good to one person but terrible to someone else.
Do you ever think of the fact that a 600,000 ton ship can float on top of the water and not sink?
Or how we all came from Adam and Eve, yet we all look completely different; how we're all of different ethnicities?
How investigators can find find out who committed the crime by just a strand of hair or a half of a finger print?
How you breathe and swallow from the same mouth yet your food and drink go down one pipe and you breathe out of the other.
Do you ever look at the details of the mountains or how the clouds set perfectly atop the hills?
How the leaves on the trees know exactly when to change colors, when to grow, when to fall.
How all the skin on your body is in one whole piece, there are no seams.
How both the sun and the moon know when to rise and when to fall or how the earth is in constant motion yet we don't feel a thing.
Do you ever think about just how ridiculously complex this life is?

Do you ever think about how God spoke this whole ridiculously complex universe into motion?
Do you ever think about how this man named Jesus was given 2 fish and 5 loaves of bread and fed 5,000 people?
How He made blind men see and the paralyzed walk?
How He parted a sea so people could walk through to the other side?
How He brought dead men to life and by the touch of a hand, made the deaf hear again or how He calmed the storms with His voice?
Do ever think how this man was brutally murdered on a cross, was placed behind a tomb stone and rose from the dead three days later?
Do you ever think about Heaven; this place empty of death, sickness, sin, pain, hurt and tears.

Do you ever think about how the very same man who made all this possible is the same God who calls you by name? Who knows just how many hairs are on your head. Who knows when you wake up and when you fall asleep. Who knows your every thought, every action. The same God who knows the day of your first breath and the very second of your last. Who has every single day of your life planned out and knows all of your strengths and weaknesses. Do you ever think about this man not only hears you when you speak but responds to you?

Do you understand that the very same man who makes this all possible is absolutely crazy in love with you?

"why me, God?"

I feel like even when we wholeheartedly trust Jesus with our life, even when we understand His immeasurable love for us, even when we remind ourselves that His plan for our life is beyond greater than what we picture for ourselves, even when we know His promises to be truth, we still find ourselves asking the question, "why me, God?"

We reflect on our lives and make mental lists in our heads of all the good things we have done. From going on that mission trip in Africa, to honoring our parents, to volunteering at every church event,.. the list goes on and on. We give ourselves the title, "good person". So, when things don't go as expected, when pain, loss and heartache creep into our lives right when we get comfortable, we start saying things like "why me, God?", "what did I do to deserve this?", "I don't get it." We tend to focus our attention on ourselves and our faithfulness to God, when instead we should be focusing on Jesus and His goodness, His faithfulness to us. We were never promised a life free of suffering but we were promised a God who works all things for the good of those who love Him. 

There's one thing we really need to understand and hold onto when we are faced with suffering and that is, this life is so, so temporary. 

In Luke chapter 16, we're given two characters, a rich man and a beggar named Lazarus. Now, I want to share this story with you because I feel that in just these ten, short verses, God reveals to us just how temporary this life truly is as He paints for us four different pictures- a man who lives an abundant life full of wealth and a man who lives in pain, sickness and poverty. A life in Heaven and life in Hell.

“There was a rich man who was dressed in purple and fine linen and lived in luxury every day.  At his gate was laid a beggar named Lazarus, covered with sores and longing to eat what fell from the rich man’s table. Even the dogs came and licked his sores. The time came when the beggar died and the angels carried him to Abraham’s side. The rich man also died and was buried. In Hades (Hell), where he was in torment, he looked up and saw Abraham far away, with Lazarus by his side. So he called to him, ‘Father Abraham, have pity on me and send Lazarus to dip the tip of his finger in water and cool my tongue, because I am in agony in this fire.’“But Abraham replied, ‘Son, remember that in your lifetime you received your good things, while Lazarus received bad things, but now he is comforted here and you are in agony. And besides all this, between us and you a great chasm has been set in place, so that those who want to go from here to you cannot, nor can anyone cross over from there to us.’“He answered, ‘Then I beg you, father, send Lazarus to my family, for I have five brothers. Let him warn them, so that they will not also come to this place of torment.'" // Luke 16:19-28

We aren't given every detail about each man. Maybe the rich man was selfish, maybe he gave freely to Lazarus, we don't know. But what we do know is that whether selfish or selfless, works don't promise you a life in Heaven, this man lived a life empty of Jesus. 

We don't know what Lazarus woke up thinking every day. Maybe he learned to be content with the life he was given, maybe he cried himself to sleep every night asking, "why me, God?", but we do know that Lazarus knew Jesus and knew what a life after death looked like for him. 

This rich man lived what it seemed to be good life. When he died, his money, his fancy clothes, all of his stuff that he held so tightly in his life didn't go with him. You see this man desperately crying out from this place of complete torment asking for someone to come and relieve him of his pain. When he realizes that this was now his life for eternity, he begs God to send Lazarus to his family to warn them so they don't end up where he did. 

Then you see Lazarus, a beggar who spent his life in poverty, in sickness and in pain. Lazarus had nothing. He spent his life watching this man live this luxurious life as he sat outside the gates of his house desperate for food. Then Lazarus dies and he's taken to Heaven where he is comforted. He is no longer hungry or in pain. His sores are gone, he has entered this perfect place he gets to call home for the rest of eternity.  

I read this story and I think about this life. I think of those who are in the midst of some hard, hard stuff right now. The ones who wake up one morning and there dad is gone or their mom was just diagnosed with cancer. I think of those who discover their dad has been having an affair or is struggling with an addiction to alcohol. I think of those who find themselves stuck in abusive relationships or those who struggle with depression. I think of the ones who go to bed every night asking, "why me, God?" 

I know what it's like to live a life full of pain, full of confusion and suffering. I know those days where you just don't get it. Today, I woke up, another morning in a hospital bed. I woke up hoping that my lung function would show an improvement from last week (76%) and that I would be able to go to sleep in my own bed tonight. I was so hopeful. I feel good, my lungs sound good, my brutal cough has gone away, I've been on IV antibiotics for a week, I've done four treatments a day since I came in the hospital last Tuesday,... there was no doubt in my mind that my lung function had improved, that I was over this cold and I was going to go home to my puppy tonight. Well, I'm here, blogging from my hospital bed. I found out that my small airways are at 34% and my overall lung function dropped from 76% to 68%. Today was one of those, "why me, God?" days. 

I tell you these things because I want you to know that I get it. This life, it's hard. It's so, so incredibly hard. And I wish that things we're different sometimes. I wish that I could tell you why you're hurting right now. "Not being able to understand God is frustrating, but it is ridiculous to think we have the right to limit God to something we are capable of understanding." -Francis Chan. The thing is, we're not going to get it. We're not always going to have the answers. Sometimes we're going to get answers that we don't want. We're going to hurt. We're going to have days where we say, "why me, God?". That's okay. God gets it. That's the coolest thing about suffering. God gets it. We're not alone. We've got a God who understands suffering more than anyone in this world and that same God knows  what happens next when we don't. I love that. 

I'm going to tell you again, this life is so, so temporary. The pain you're feeling can't compare to the joy that's coming. Next time you ask, "why me, God?", open your Bible to Luke 16. Remind yourself that you might be suffering now, but it's only temporary. 

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12 //

When you have a relationship with Jesus, you're promised eternal life in Heaven that is nothing compared to anything that we encounter here on Earth. Take hold of His promises and fix your eyes on eternity. Death is an upgrade. 

"‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” He said to me: “It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To the thirsty I will give water without cost from the spring of the water of life. Those who are victorious will inherit all this, and I will be their God and they will be my children."

 Take heart, it's only temporary.